Still believe stimulus dollars are the way to job creation?

That's a mighty tough sell when you look at some of the craziest, most ill-advised turkeys in the government's stimulus portfolio.

Let me take you on a fun run through a few of them through 2010 -- still fresh in the minds of many American taxpayers -- and get a fair idea why President Barack Obama faces an uphill battle in the jobs plan he will unveil Thursday.

• $3.4 million to create an underground turtle tunnel, or eco-passage, right here in Lake Jackson, Fla. Really? Really in a deep recession?
• $1 million to study the health effects of environmentally friendly public housing on 300 people in Chicago.
• $1 million for Portland, Ore., to replace 100 aging bike lockers and build a garage that would house 250 bicycles.
• $700,000 to Oregon crab fishermen to help recover lost crab traps.
• $1.5 billion for a Carbon Capturing Contest. Don't ask.
• $300,000 for a GPS-equipped helicopter -- and this is my favorite -- to hunt for radioactive rabbit droppings at the Hanford nuclear reservation in the state of Washington.
• $5 million to create a geothermal energy system for the Oak Ridge City Center shopping mall in Oak Ridge, where the mall has been losing tenants for years and is almost empty.
• $9.38 million to renovate a century-old train depot in Lancaster County, Pa., which hasn't been used for three decades.
• $100,000 for socially conscious puppet shows in Minnesota.
• $2 million to build a replica railroad tourist attraction in Carson City, Nev.
• $462,000 to purchase 22 concrete toilets for use in Missouri's Mark Twain National Forest.
• $3.1 million to transform a canal barge into a floating museum that will travel the Erie Canal in New York.
• $15.8 million In rural Wisconsin for 37 little-used bridges. Says the Milwaukee Wisconsin Journal Sentinel, the bridges "average 568 vehicles a day”  but some see fewer than 10 cars a day.
• $2.2 million for Montana to install skylights in its state-run liquor warehouse.
• $800,000 to John Murtha Airport to repave a back runway. This Pennsylvania airport services 20 passengers a day and over the past decade received millions in federal funds. It was actually Rep. John Murtha's private airport.
• $1 million to a Chicago dinner cruise company to “combat terrorism.”
• $572 million for the Coast Guard to create 1,235 new jobs. It comes to about  $460,000 per job.
• $6 million for a snow-making facility in Duluth, Minn.
• $30 million for a spring training baseball complex for the Arizona Diamondbacks and Colorado Rockies. Why isn't private financing taking care of this?
• $2.5 million in stimulus checks sent to the deceased.

Remember, all this money will have to be paid back -- with interest.

Through December 2010, $158.8 billion nationwide had been awarded to create 640,320 jobs. That means each job cost us $246,436. Said the Los Angeles Times, "If the government had simply used the funds awarded so far to pay for a year’s worth of labor, that would have paid for 2.6 million jobs!”

And the progressives wonder how the tea party ever grew to such a colossal strength in America.

As Obama unveils his jobs plan Thursday night, this nation must ask itself, why weren't we rebuilding crumbling roads and bridges before the stimulus hustlers rustled up so much pork? We don't get a do-over.

(Sources: Wall Street Journal, Washington Examiner, LA Times, Milwaukee Wisconsin Journal Sentinel and TheHill.com)

This is an opinion column by Nancy Smith. Reach Smith at nsmith@sunshinestatenews.com or at (850) 727-0859.